She came in with shoulders hunched over. He was cheating on her. Again. 25 years. Same behavior.
Me: What are you going to do about it?
She shrugged her shoulders: Dunno
Me: Well are you happy with this situation?
Me: Then change it
And therein lies the dilemma. How do you take a situation where you are undervalued and abused and turn it around? How do you change that trajectory? Change has to start with some of these steps:
- Take Inventory: We need to locate ourselves in order to change the trajectory. If you don’t see a problem, then there is no solving it. Locate and admit that there is a problem. As best as you can, outline the problem. Own your part of it. Determine if the situation is serving you. If it’s not. Abort.
- Recognize your own value: It is sometimes hard for us to see just how awesome we are. I often wonder what lens we look through when we see ourselves. I find it difficult to focus and see things through scratched or deformed lens. Taking time to reflect on how we came to the conclusions we did about ourselves is a worthwhile activity. We do not have to accept everything that is offered to us. Recognizing and learning our value helps us reject offers that are cheap. Get a pen and paper and start writing, don’t censor your thoughts just focus on the awesome. Write. Write a new reality. Change your mind, change your life…truly.
- Change your self talk: What are you saying to yourself? Are you defeating yourself before giving yourself a fair chance? Would you be yourself’s best friend based on how you talk to yourself? As a man or woman thinks so is he or she….so yes your self talk is absolutely important. You become what you behold, so your talk to yourself has creative power. We manifest that we digest so please change your soliloquy.
- Change your circle: If we are in partnership or relationship with people who are not able to recognize our value, it is best to get away. Why? Try going on I94W while the person you are yolked with is going I94E. You will in fact get no place. The tension of dissonance will pull you away from your purpose. It stagnates. People project their own self worth on you and if within your circle there are those who don’t value themselves, guess what? They likely don’t value you either. Change circles. Associate with people who lift you up, build you up and honor the awesome in you. Be a person who lifts and builds others.
- Be brave: Walking away from the familiar takes courage but the freedom felt once the chains have loosened is invigorating. Sometimes we just have to jump and trust the parachute to open. We have to trust that we will land in a better place. No discoveries are made by the coward of heart.
The relationships that must change are our relationship with ourselves, life and God. If we truly know who we are in Christ, we would know that He thinks highly of us, that to accept anything other than His best for us is pride. Relationships with the world around us, our job, friends, partners, these relationships should also reflect God’s best for us. We settle too often and for too little. Take the step to elevate your relationship with God, yourself and thus your auxiliary relationships.
Months later, I heard she moved away. She had enough. The work we did finally paid off. She was able to see her value and thus rejected a value-negating relationship from a love stealer. Whether a person or a job, make a decision to go where you are appreciated, not tolerated or denigrated.
ONE of the things that I keep in the forefront of my mind is destination. Where I am going and WHY I am going there is important in the scheme of things. When I keep my destination in mind, I am sure to avoid distractions to deviate from my purpose. So many times I see people running after profit, they want to be rich. They are about the bling and the ring and not a dime in the bank to show ah ting! I guess the lure of the Real (not so real) housewives and the baller wives and such seduces the vulnerable into thinking that it’s easy. That could not be farthest from the truth.
Most of the successful people I know, those that are TRULY successful ( not a semblance or facade of success), have paid the price in grit and sweat. Their character has been tested and they passed the integrity test. People may look at me and say “I want to be like you when I grow up doc”, in fact I hear that a LOT. I see it posted on my Facebook page a LOT. I always wonder if they want to go through what I had to go through and GROW through? I have no regrets for the things I have been through as I am a BETTER person for it. I LOVE my life, with all of the challenges it has brought. But do folks really know what it took to get here? The faith to believe what I could not see physically but dreamed? In fact, I want to say to them…no be YOU when you grow up!
- Don’t abort your purpose by trying to bypass the hard things. The only way we grow muscle is by lifting heavy things or rather going against resistance. So do not wish away the challenges to get to the fairy tale ending. Those challenges build character, build integrity and simply gives you flavor.
- Humble yourselves enough to sit under someone who can mentor and guide. Too many with little street cred and little real life experience in the arena are thinking they are now experts in how to navigate the system. My advice? Stay teachable. Always always be open to learn. Don’t be so eager to be in the limelight to be the expert because to whom much is given much is required. Stay humble.
- Pursue Purpose not Profit: Making decisions solely based on money is the wrong thing if truly you are seeking a wholehearted existence. I see a lot of THIRSTY individuals, running after every money making venture. Many times, it has nothing to do with their purpose. Its just all about the money. Well here is the thing. There is nothing wrong with money, it the LOVE of money that will lead you into trouble. If you know your purpose, then you will make decisions that bring you closer to that purpose rather than every whim that comes your way. When you are thirsty and hungry, you make decisions based on your thirst. These often do NOT line up with your purpose. So best to not get thirsty right?! lol…keep drinking water. When you pursue profit in a purposeless manner you enable a confusing and empty existence.
- Resist the urge to think that the person with the loudest bark and the biggest bling is successful. Some really have nothing to their name and may not be able to lead you in the right direction. There are many silent millionaires. Pay attention and do not be misled.
- Lastly, be yourself…and if you do not know who that person is..then take time for self discovery. This may require…will require quiet time. Turn off social media. Turn down the noise and tune up the discernment. The only person who can do you, is you. Do not be busy trying to be someone else or copy someone else’s idea and try to make it your own. There is enough for everyone. Be original I often look at the sky at night and I am in awe of how well the stars align and I have yet to see the stars fighting each other or jockeying for position. In fact, they look better together! No-one is jealous of the other’s shine. They are all just flowing in purpose.
So that is all folks. Go out there and Be the BEST you! Only YOU can!
On the 19th I received an email from my business website that has not even gone live…It puzzled me but as the story unfold it became even more evident that God’s hand was in this.
The woman who “sent” me the message stated that she has a history of chronic pain for decades and has been to so many doctors none of whom has been able to help her. I sent her a reply telling her to call the island office and I will be happy to see her this weekend. Well I did not hear back from her. My Saturday on the 20th was quite busy in the morning as I scrubbed in on a surgical case…only had 4 hrs sleep. Then had clinic patients. Checked my email after seeing some of my morning appts and saw a response from the same woman stating she had been calling the office and no one answered. I got her cell number which she included in her email and asked the office staff to call and fit her into the schedule.
The staff put her as my last appointment for the day. No problem. day progressed and I must confess, I was so exhausted struggling to keep my eyes open. Patient arrived and was triaged. I popped my head in
ME: Hi I am Dr. Williams. I will be with you shortly ok?
Prodigal: Sure no problem. Thank you
Truth is, our team was exhausted and hungry. We had the best pastries from our friend Monsieur Gerard. But the tapeworm was in full effect lol…hungry. I ordered some delish food for the team…Stewed Oxtail, Curry Chicken…then ran in for this last appointment with the woman who called. Told the staff…call me when the food gets here.
I started our meeting…prior I envisioned that I would be sitting in the chair right across from her but this is not where we started…the appointment started out like any other doctors appointment with me collecting information from her medical history…I knew that I wanted to navigate into her emotional state…we went there. Initially she stated that there was really nothing about her childhood or past that was traumatic.
I prayed a silent prayer “Lord please help me to help her”
She was on every medication, seen by the BEST doctors, had the BEST treatments and none made her feel any better. I confessed that my approach would be to ask God to help me help her. She was open to it. I explained to her that I firmly believed that our physical ailments are related to our spiritual well being. I like to address what is going on in your spirit and soul and work from there.
There was so much that transpired but suffice to say…after about 10 mins or so into the meeting something I said triggered the flood gates and her heart doors flew open. Out marched pain, fear, disappointment, doubt, brokenness. There was some trauma after all…disguised as coping and caring for others…she never took time to process the pain. My position shifted to the one I envisioned sitting next to her facing her.
I spoke into her life and she cried and I cried with her. It seemed like she hung on to every word I spoke. I shared with her the love and faithfulness of God in my life. His Grace as I have experienced it. His plan for her. His Word for her. His unconditional love for her and His care for the little and big details of her life. That He was madly in love with her.
She: I totally did not expect this…this is so much more than I came for
Me: God loves you and this was a set up…
I was so overjoyed…and this washed the tired out of my body! I was ENERGIZED!
I prayed with her. Then….She prayed. She asked to know Him more. She wanted to come back to Him. She knew Him but felt so unworthy. Felt like He has disappointed her. I prayed with her and then she out of her mouth asked the Lord to know Him more, to come back home…she asked His forgiveness. It is amazing when we recognize that there is nothing we can do to lose or gain God’s love…His love for us just is…..The Presence of the Lord so filled the place and I know some of you may not understand or believe this statement per se but there was such power and energy and joy that filled that room.
She: this is a miracle. this is a miracle. I did not expect this. [at the beginning our meeting, i had said to her to raise her expectation]
Turns out that she did not even send the first email to me; it was her counselor in Vancouver who found my info [still don’t know how he/she was able to find it when the website is not public yet]…she thanked me profusely. We prayed. In her prayer she told God that she was empty and asked Him to fill her.
She, between tears: I came here so empty and I just feel so FULL, so full. [He answered her prayers instantly] I have not felt like this in 10 years. Thank you so much. this is a miracle. My soul has been so empty. I have not prayed in years, it has been years since i could pray. Today is the first time I have prayed in years. This is a miracle. I know I have to get this in order. I am…I am so grateful. I want you to meet my mother…she has been praying for me…
We emerged from my room after almost 2 hours. She introduced me to her family who was in the waiting room, a family who had been praying for her to come back to the Lord for years…hugged them. We said our goodbyes.
She came in one way and left another…a new woman.
The staff looked at me…eyes wide open…
With just word, He can change things. Just One Word.
Miracles do happen in Zumunda. It has little to do with us but WHOSE we are. And WHO we allow to use us. God alone.